Saturday, October 29, 2011

I'm Not So Strong

Through all of my journey with Lymphoma and everything that I've gone through, people have told me I'm their hero, an inspiration, so strong. I'm not as strong as people think.
Yes, I know and have always believed that God has me on this journey for a reason, I know this is His plan for me, that has always stuck with me through all of this, that doesn't mean I've never been afraid.
Every time I had chemo, I felt so terrible, couldn't eat for several days, the smell of coffee (which I love) was horrendous to me, certain smells were too much, I was tired, I cried (the first time for no reason), but always felt that I shouldn't complain. There are so many people that have to go through so much chemo and so many other things that I thought it was wrong of me to complain because I only had to go through 3 rounds of chemo and only 17 days of radiation (I only have 7 more). Plus the fact that I didn't want to complain because everyone said I was so strong, I felt that I couldn't show the fear that hid in me, that it wouldn't do to complain, there was nothing that could be done about it, why not just go on pretending I'm so strong?
Finally, one night, just a little while ago, I broke down. I went to Mommy and told her that lately I feel very distant from God and that it scares me, it's something I've never, ever wanted, it's the worst feeling in the world. I was crying. I told her my inner fear; that when all of this is over and they do more scans, the cancer will have returned, that there will be more chemo treatments. I know the Lord is with me, that Jesus walks with me through all things, God's plans are perfect (that's what I've said from the beginning). Maybe I've been hiding my fear by joking about things, like my hair falling out, dressing up as a microwave for Halloween because of the radiation that's going in me (we don't celebrate Halloween, by the way), etc.
Even now I sometimes have the same fears; the cancer coming back, even the thought of more chemo is something I'd rather not think about, not because of the treatment itself, but what it does to me afterwards.
It just doesn't seem right for me to say such things or to feel this way because of all of the people that are going through much worse, that have to live in cancer hospitals, I hate that for all of those people. I would never wish this on anyone.
You see, I always knew it was hard for others, but until it happened to me, I didn't know just how hard it was.
In a way, I am grateful that the Lord put me on this journey so that maybe I can help others through it. I don't think I was ever once angry with God for putting me through this, I certainly wasn't happy with it or anything though, just always tried to rest in knowing that this is His plan for my life and He has a reason for it.
This has been a hard journey, but I do believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
My hair is gone, but that's ok, we're looking forward to seeing how it regrows. I do have cute caps, none too warm for the coming cold season, but I will have one soon: last Friday. Mommy and I went to a small yarn shop (I, of course, was wearing my face mask) and there were 2 ladies working (no other customers), well, we got to talking about my Lymphoma and one lady said that she had had cancer several years ago but is just fine, the other lady said her husband had cancer several years ago as well. Then, they told us that they're getting a group together to knit chemo caps and will donate them. I was then asked if I would like one, so the very first one will be made specially for me. She got my name and phone number and will let us know when it is finished. Now, Mommy and I have always wanted to learn how to knit, so the lady said she will give us one-on-one lessons for free, whereas they are usually $35. It's always a wonderful thing to meet friendly, sweet, compassionate people, which seems so rare nowadays, so sad.
So, November 8th will be my last day of radiation. We will pray that the chemo & radiation have done their job, if the Lord wills.
I pray that this journey through Lymphoma will be used to glorify God and, now that I've experienced it, I'll be able to sympathize with others and lift them up.I pray for all of my fellow cancer patients, know that I love you and know what you're going through and my heart hurts for you. I pray God's blessings upon all of you. It is very hard to go through this, I hope and pray someday there will be a cure. I hurt for you all. I hope we can lift each other up, no matter what.

I'd like to share these links:

Donate your hair for free wigs for women who lost their hair due to chemo treatments-click here. (This is what I did when I had hair and knew it was going to fall out ahead of time).


Reasonably priced products made specifically for people with cancer-click here.


Grace be with you all.

5 comments:

Life's Journeys said...

Hi! I was wondering how you were doing! I've been praying for you. I have to wear a mask when I go out places too because my lungs are so susceptible and because of the steroids my immune system is weak. Anyway glad to see a new post from you. Have you ever heard of caringbridge? They provide free websites for people with illnesses and I have one because its easier to keep people updated than on my blog (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bekahjohnson) is mine

Bekah said...

Thank you so much for praying for me, Bekah! That really means a lot to me. Oh wow, it's low all the time? That must be hard. You're in my prayers as well. I visited your site, thanks for the link. I'll have to be sure to visit often :)

Ashleigh said...

Hi! I just came across your blog and am so sorry to hear what you've been battling. I have a chronic illness and am going through chelation treatments, but it has been rough. I'm hyper sensitive to everything and feel sick! I really liked this post because there are so many times when others say that I'm strong, but I don't always feel that way. I do have fears about my health getting worse and these treatments not working. I desire to be a wife and mother one day, but I just can't comprehend it while going through all of this right now. I'm trusting the Lord to direct my path and lead me safely through this. Praying for God to heal you and continue to be your strength throughout this trial!

God bless,
Ashleigh

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