I'm Not So Strong

Through all of my journey with Lymphoma and everything that I've gone through, people have told me I'm their hero, an inspiration, so strong. I'm not as strong as people think.
Yes, I know and have always believed that God has me on this journey for a reason, I know this is His plan for me, that has always stuck with me through all of this, that doesn't mean I've never been afraid.
Every time I had chemo, I felt so terrible, couldn't eat for several days, the smell of coffee (which I love) was horrendous to me, certain smells were too much, I was tired, I cried (the first time for no reason), but always felt that I shouldn't complain. There are so many people that have to go through so much chemo and so many other things that I thought it was wrong of me to complain because I only had to go through 3 rounds of chemo and only 17 days of radiation (I only have 7 more). Plus the fact that I didn't want to complain because everyone said I was so strong, I felt that I couldn't show the fear that hid in me, that it wouldn't do to complain, there was nothing that could be done about it, why not just go on pretending I'm so strong?
Finally, one night, just a little while ago, I broke down. I went to Mommy and told her that lately I feel very distant from God and that it scares me, it's something I've never, ever wanted, it's the worst feeling in the world. I was crying. I told her my inner fear; that when all of this is over and they do more scans, the cancer will have returned, that there will be more chemo treatments. I know the Lord is with me, that Jesus walks with me through all things, God's plans are perfect (that's what I've said from the beginning). Maybe I've been hiding my fear by joking about things, like my hair falling out, dressing up as a microwave for Halloween because of the radiation that's going in me (we don't celebrate Halloween, by the way), etc.
Even now I sometimes have the same fears; the cancer coming back, even the thought of more chemo is something I'd rather not think about, not because of the treatment itself, but what it does to me afterwards.
It just doesn't seem right for me to say such things or to feel this way because of all of the people that are going through much worse, that have to live in cancer hospitals, I hate that for all of those people. I would never wish this on anyone.
You see, I always knew it was hard for others, but until it happened to me, I didn't know just how hard it was.
In a way, I am grateful that the Lord put me on this journey so that maybe I can help others through it. I don't think I was ever once angry with God for putting me through this, I certainly wasn't happy with it or anything though, just always tried to rest in knowing that this is His plan for my life and He has a reason for it.
This has been a hard journey, but I do believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
My hair is gone, but that's ok, we're looking forward to seeing how it regrows. I do have cute caps, none too warm for the coming cold season, but I will have one soon: last Friday. Mommy and I went to a small yarn shop (I, of course, was wearing my face mask) and there were 2 ladies working (no other customers), well, we got to talking about my Lymphoma and one lady said that she had had cancer several years ago but is just fine, the other lady said her husband had cancer several years ago as well. Then, they told us that they're getting a group together to knit chemo caps and will donate them. I was then asked if I would like one, so the very first one will be made specially for me. She got my name and phone number and will let us know when it is finished. Now, Mommy and I have always wanted to learn how to knit, so the lady said she will give us one-on-one lessons for free, whereas they are usually $35. It's always a wonderful thing to meet friendly, sweet, compassionate people, which seems so rare nowadays, so sad.
So, November 8th will be my last day of radiation. We will pray that the chemo & radiation have done their job, if the Lord wills.
I pray that this journey through Lymphoma will be used to glorify God and, now that I've experienced it, I'll be able to sympathize with others and lift them up.I pray for all of my fellow cancer patients, know that I love you and know what you're going through and my heart hurts for you. I pray God's blessings upon all of you. It is very hard to go through this, I hope and pray someday there will be a cure. I hurt for you all. I hope we can lift each other up, no matter what.

I'd like to share these links:

Donate your hair for free wigs for women who lost their hair due to chemo treatments-click here. (This is what I did when I had hair and knew it was going to fall out ahead of time).


Reasonably priced products made specifically for people with cancer-click here.


Grace be with you all.

Happenings

A few weeks ago, Chris and I were taking a walk and I stepped on an uneven place in the road and my foot bent in a way it shouldn't and, so, I sprained my ankle. Ever since then, I haven't been able to do anything but lay down with my ankle up (I can't tell you how much it hurt!). We didn't go to the ER or Dr. so I had to hop around on my left leg, which also killed. Anyway, what I've done is go from my bed to Mommy and Daddy's bed, always having my lap-top. Chris would bring down my lap-top, a stuffed bear that I named 'Nani' (after my favorite footballer who plays for Manchester United), and my cell phone.
I shan't say what I've done everyday this whole time because it's embarrassing when I could've spent my time more wisely. One of the fun parts is always getting to tweet some of my buddies or chat on Facebook with one. Plus, Mommy and Chris went out one day and got me an iPod touch so I have been playing "Words With Friends" with one of my buddies :) It's great fun! In my opinion, he's better than I, but no matter, it's still fun and we both enjoy it, so that's good. Yesterday was his Birthday, not that that has anything to do with what I'm writing, but it's important, so I shall mention it.
Another of my buddies is coming over to the States to work for 3 months, he has a blog about his "American Adventure", you should check it out.
Also, check out another buddy's new blog. Both of them are massive Man United fans and they're pretty dang cool (as is my "Words With Friends" buddy).
Anyway, moving on:
I am able to limp around now, so I am thankful to God for that. I sat at the dining room table today and made some tuna salad for Mommy and me, plus put together some laundry detergent, can't wait to see how that works! Also made some Espresso for Mommy and me, which is quite tasty.
Yesterday, Chris and I watched United lift the Premier League trophy, it was their 19th, which is a new record, beating Liverpool, who have won it 18 times (so, eat it!), would've been awesome to be there. Hopefully someday we can go over to England and see them play at home.
I'm in the midst of writing a new story, but haven't picked it up for awhile. It's set in Ireland because I love Ireland.
While not being able to do anything for so long but time-wasting stuff, I have thought about how there are things that I would love to be doing, but can't really do right now, so hopefully when I am able to be up and doing stuff, I can get going on some projects and stuff, including a Christmas gift that I really, REALLY want to make for a friend of mine, that will probably take awhile but I am looking forward to it. I ask myself, "Why?", why didn't I start them before, when I thought about it? I thought about doing them so often, but never got around to starting them for some reason. There's a list in my mind of things/projects I would like to do/start and, Lord willing, when I'm able to move around, I can, by His strength, achieve them. It really is sad, when I think about things I could've done before but never did, this time of not being able to do anything has really been an eye-opener, I think. It's time for me to change. Time for me to start being the homemaker that I desire to be someday, to a man, for whom, in my eyes, I will not be worthy.
It's really sweet, the way my family have been taking care of me, letting me lean on them as I have to hop around, Chris even carried me on his back a few times so I wouldn't have to hop, lol. I am so thankful for my family, no daughter/sister has a more protective family than I. I'm sure plenty of people find that ridiculous and disgusting and think that I could never be on my own or anything, but that's so not true, if the time comes that I will have to be on my own, all of my family have instilled in me the knowledge and skills I would need, plus, as my Mommy says, there are still some things that you never really know how to do until you do it.
No matter what, I know God is always with me and guiding me and there's no greater comfort than knowing the God of the universe is in control of your life and is with you always.


Grace be with you.

Time (Repost From Previous Blog)

Today is the Sabbath and I was just thinking of the way a Sabbath should be spent. Going to Church, (granted we don't have a Church to attend and I'm sure other people don't either) spending time in God's Word, praying (though those things should be done everyday), doing all things that would keep the Sabbath day Holy.
Now, how often do I do that? Unfortunately, not often at all. Instead, this stupid computer takes up my time, or we'll be watching some kind of movie or something together. While it is nice to have a day of rest and time spent with family (meaning, just here, because we don't do things with extended family like some people do on the Sabbath, hopefully we will someday) and we do have fun together, whatever we're doing, still there is no reason why we can't give time to God. We have only one life, and such a short amount of time on this earth, we must spend this time wisely and in a way that is pleasing to God, that is giving our lives to and for God. I pray everyday that I might be a living sacrifice to Him, no matter what. How am I going to do that by wasting time with things that are so terribly unimportant? Now, spending time with family is important, but it is better to do it in a way that actually means something. Sure, we can sit down every once in a while and watch a show or a movie, but why do we keep sitting there, even when there's nothing on? It is not a sin to rest, God tells us to, it is, however, a sin to use that precious time doing nothing.
So often, I say that I need to make to time to read and continue improving my homemaking skills, but don't because my time is wasted doing things that, well, waste time and are in no way helpful to my homemaking or reading, or whatever needs to be done around here. The funny thing is, if I do the things that need to be done then I will have time to do other things, but I don't always follow through.
So what happens? I sit here for a while (most of the time wasting the time on the computer and not using it wisely at all) and think, "oh, I'll get started later", then a "little" while later, look at the clock and sometimes even a few hours have gone by and I wonder how that time went so fast and why I wasn't doing anything. So later I get angry at myself because of things I didn't do, and regret wasting that time. The next day I decide everything is going to be different, but it isn't always that way, sometimes I will do the exact same thing and I hate it.
God gave me this life and looking down at a clock to see what time it is or whatever is just a reminder that I used this time in a way that was pleasurable to me (honestly, sometimes it isn't even pleasurable, just a way to pass the time, I guess), but in no way honoring my God and King. This life is to be lived to Him and for Him, He didn't put me here for me, but for Him. I know I disappoint Him with this, so why is it so hard to stop? Satan doesn't want me to use my time for God, so I fall into this temptation and later feel so bad for doing so, but know I could never take it back, so need to start anew the next day, but fall into it again. I do not spend enough time in God's Word, or enough time with Him and that makes Satan very happy, that is such a disgusting and terrible thought, especially knowing that God is disappointed in me, how could I disappoint the One Who made me, Who gave His Son for my life that I may live and live to Him, but instead do what pleases me?
God is not angry with me when I do it, He can't be mad at me, for Christ intercedes for me and has made me righteous by His Holy shed Blood on the cross so that I would not face God's wrath. Because Jesus died for me, God cannot be angry with me.
What a Loving God we serve, that He would give me life through His Son Jesus Christ. I pray that my life may be lived to bring Him glory and that there be none left over for myself.
Using my time wisely is something I really struggle with, so would very much appreciate prayer for this.
It is so easy to just sit down for a few hours and do nothing, though I could be reading or working on crocheting or something like that and hopefully my life will change for God. It is especially easy on days that are soooo extremely hot in the Summer when you haven't the energy to do anything because you're burning up and it's worse if you're up doing stuff. But, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, now if only I constantly remember that and remember to pray for that strength
May God be glorified in all of my life!

Grace be with you.

Raising Children

Spending time with family is something that's extremely important to my family and me and something that every parent should know is very important in a child's life. To know they are loved and to understand that family are more important than friends. I hate when parents say that they're happy to have their children out of the house or they're happy when school starts up again so they can just be alone and have 'peace and quiet'. How would that make a child feel? That their own parents would rather have them away from them just so they can be alone. No wonder so many children have grown away from their families and cling to their friends instead or go looking for relationships for some companionship, it's because parents don't take the time to get to know their children, they let them go off and do their own thing while (as my Mommy has always said) they keep their jewels and money locked in a safe where no one can get to them. Does anyone else see a problem there?
Someone would always say to my Mommy or about her that she homeschooled us to keep us at home and turn us into 'mini hers'. Mommy will be the first one to tell you that's not true and my brothers and I will be the first ones to agree. It isn't true, if we had been in school with everything that started to happen whilst we were there, who knows what we'd be or even where we'd be now. Being taken out of school to be homeschooled is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to my brothers and me. If people don't see that, then, they're blind to it.
We are an extremely close family and are all very thankful for that. I praise God that He has given us all these years to be together, to know each other better, to become each others best friends. I'm not just saying that, we seriously are best friends, all 5 of us. Even though my oldest brother moved out a few years ago, he's still really close to us and we still love spending time together. He always wants us to go over and visit him and we want him to come over here and visit us.
I can't stand seeing parents being so cruel to their children, in stores they'll be yelling at them, even if it's a baby and he's crying for some reason, a lot of times (not all the time), the parent won't even pay attention to the child. How does the child feel when this happens? I seriously doubt 'loved' would be the word.
A mother who was behind me in a store once told me that she promised her daughter if she was good all week that she would get her a balloon. The little girl was so cute and just loved her little balloon. While the mother was being so nice and sweet to her and even though I told her it was cute that she did that, inside, I didn't agree with it at all. You don't bribe a child and tell them stuff like that. You teach them gently, lovingly, but firmly, and however long it takes, to be kind to others, to know what is right and what is wrong. You watch their every step, with a loving eye. Don't let your child out of your sight or, one day, they will grow away from you.
Listen to your child, not just with your ears, pay close attention to them, really, really, listen and hold in your heart the things they've spoken, their cute ways, the things they do. No child is perfect, every one will mess up, but so have the rest of us. Don't expect more of them than the best they can do. Encourage them and love them, hold them close and never let go.
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."  ~Proverbs 22:6
God has given us these little blessings and we are to take care of them, not let them go on their own.
"but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of Heaven."  ~Matthew 19:14
It's highly possible you're thinking "What is she talking about? She's only 21 and knows nothing about raising a child." True, I have no children but, I do understand the importance of spending time with your children and training them up in God's Word and making sure they know the importance of needing a Saviour, how they are sinners, just like the rest of us. I learn this from my own Mommy. She has instilled these things in me and has also raised me to share what is on my heart and not sugarcoat it. I honestly can't stand sugarcoating so just go as far as I can, being very careful what I write and how everything is worded.
Always pray for your children and tell them all the time that you love them, show it to them also, not by buying them stuff or anything like that, just spending time with them, playing their little games will help them to know how much you care about and love them. Hold on to them. Teach them things so that when, one day, they leave all they've ever known at home to go out into the world, they'll know what do and they'll know they can always come back home to you and that you'll welcome them with loving, open arms, no matter what, and that you'll help them to the very best of your ability.

Grace be with you.

The Importance of Wisdom

Lately, I've been reading a book called "Preparing To Be A Help-Meet" by Debi Pearl and in it, she talks of how, as young single women hoping for a family someday, we are not only supposed to be preparing for marriage but also for homeschooling children. That really inspired me to start getting books from the library about certain things that they will need to know and other things that would just be interesting to know, the histories of different Countries, Gaelic (a language I've always wanted to learn!), identifying plants, trees, birds, learning about different animals, etc. I realize I'm 21 and, depending upon when I get married, I started a little late in life but this is something that I'm really excited about doing and hope that when I get well, amidst the housecleaning, practicing piano, doing other projects, I might be able to make the time to sit and read about a lot of things and figure out how to organize the things I learn in binders and keep them for any future children. I just love learning and hope that, one day, my husband and I can instill that love in our children.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction" ~Proverbs 1:7
As parents or, in my case, just an adult to whom younger ones could look for advice someday, we must be ready with this knowledge God has given, this wisdom, and show the younger ones how important it is to learn and learn and learn and never stop, show them the joy in it!
I, personally, find it more fun, now, to learn because I'm not in school anymore and can learn what I want and whenever I can.
Not saying I'm full of wisdom or anything 'cause in my opinion, I'm not, how I wish I was though. It's not just about the normal school subjects, one of my Mommy's, brothers', and my favorite things to learn is doing things the old fashioned way, even though it isn't necessary right now, what if, at some point in time, we had to do things the old ways?
God has given wisdom to use wisely and to teach the younger ones what must be known. First is always the fear of Him, for it is, obviously, the beginning of knowledge.
We must learn from our past experiences and help others when they might be going through the same thing. For me, there is a small thing that God placed in my life and at the time, I was embarrassed about it but, ya know what? Later on, I was able to help 3 of my friends by that experience. Yes, everything that happens is for a reason, that's how God made it. Even though, at the time, I was embarrassed, it never occurred to me that God was teaching me something that could be a help to my friends someday.
Gain wisdom, gain knowledge, pass on what you know, what you've learned, what God has taught you, to the younger generation. You never know if something you've experienced could be one of the most important things to share with someone else.
God bless you on your journey to gain more knowledge and teach what you know. Pray for wisdom. I must, honestly say, that there have been some blog posts I've written that, after I read them, the first thought that came to mind was, "I did not know that could come from my little mind", in truth, God put it there, He gave me the words, it wasn't me, He just used me to type.


Grace be with you.